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Saturday, January 13, 2007

Best/Worst Case Scenarios - AFC Playoffs

[Note: #6 to #3 were written Jan. 5th, before the wild card games.]

#6: Kansas City Chief (Jan. 6 @ Indianapolis)

Best Case: Trent Green recovers his 2005 form and together with Larry Johnson decimate the Colts defense and advance to the second round @ San Diego. They win there in a shootout, and the strength vs. strength match-up with Baltimore brings Kansas City to the edge of the Super Bowl. After carrying the ball 450+ times this season, Larry Johnson fractures his femur in week 14 of the 2007 season, and returns to top form in 2008.

Worst Case: Trent Green is still not alright, and the Chiefs defense returns to 2004 form. Larry Johnson carries the ball 35 times for 250 yards and 3 TDs, but the Chiefs lose 27-49. After carrying the ball 450+ times this season, Larry Johnson tears both ACLs and a Lis Franc in week 3 of 2007, and never starts an NFL game again. Herm Edwards isn't fired.

#5: New York Jets (Jan. 7 @ New England)

Best Case: Eric Mangini defeats his mentor in the playoffs, and captivates the attention of the nation. The Jets defense steps up and defeats Martyball in round 2, and Mangini nearly coaches the overmatched Jets to a win over the Baltimore Ravens. The New York media lavishes attention upon the Jets and Mangini. Jets-fever spreads across the tri-state area.

Worst Case: Jets lose 3-14 to the Patriots on an awful January day, and everyone except the 300 actual Jets fans stop paying attention. The New York media goes back to talking about what's wrong with the New York Giants/Yankees/Knicks. Jets-fever is cured.

#4: New England Patriots (Jan. 7 vs. New York)

Best Case: The Patriots defense and WR corps comes together, and the 2006 Patriots begin to resemble the 2004 Patriots. Pats crush all opposition in their path to the Super Bowl.

Worst Case: Rodney Harrison is unavailable to play and is not disrespected. Patriots play like a weary team resting on its laurels, and snooze through a forgettable loss to the Jets. Sportwriters revoke genius tag from Bill Belichick. Tom Bady has surgery to repair a minor tear in his rotator cuff soon after the end of the Patriots season. Pats' fans violate the 5-year rule by complaining about the state of the team, further piss off rest of nation.

#3: Indianapolis Colts (Jan. 6 vs. Kansas City)

Best Case: Legendary QB play by Peyton Manning and power rushing by Joseph Addai cover for a defense that manages to approach adequacy and lead the Colts to a Super Bowl victory. Peyton Manning lauded as possibly the greatest QB ever.

Worst Case: Expected great play by Peyton cannot make up for an awful defense. Colts lose an offensive shootout with the Chiefs. Peyton Manning is made the goat by the press after throwing a 4th quarter interception. He finishes with 350 yards, 3 TDs, 75% completion rate, and 1 INT. Peyton Manning crticized as possibly the greatest choke artist ever.

#2: Baltimore Ravens (Jan. 13 vs. Indianapolis)

Best Case: Baltimore's defense humiliates Peyton Manning, while Baltimore's offense destroys whatever pride the Colts' defense still had. Baltimore defeats Martyball in the conference championship. The Ravens make quick work of the sacrificial offering from the NFC. Seven years after his team fell 1 yard short of a potential Super Bowl win, Steve McNair wins the big one. Brian Billick receives actual genius tag after winning two Super Bowls, and NFL skill position prospects look forward to playing for him. Old Baltimore fans don't miss the Colts.

Worst Case: Baltimore's defense inexplicably collapses against Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai. The incredible containment of Larry Johnson is repeated on Jamal Lewis, and Steve McNair is knocked out of the game
with an ACL tear in the first quarter, and Kyle Boller throws 4 picks. Brian Billick recieves national declaim. NFL skill position prospects want to stay the hell away from Baltimore. Indianapolis wins the Super Bowl. Baltimore Fans miss the Colts and compliment Peyton Manning as the greatest QB since Johnny U.

#1: San Diego Chargers

Best Case: The greatest season in Chargers history goes to its conclusion in Miami, and the Chargers win their first Lombardi, stunning their opponent with the aerial assault directed by first-year starter Philip Rivers and the incredible rushing of LT2. Sportswriters proclaim Marty Schottenheimer to be a Hall of Fame coach, and the 2006 San Diego Chargers are declared the greatest Chargers team ever.

Worst Case: "Martyball" returns, as the Chargers offense becomes hyper-conservative against the unpredictable Patriots defense. Bill Belichick shows Schottenheimer how a real Hall of Fame coach runs a team, and lays waste to the San Diego secondary as Tom Brady completes 75% of his passes for 4 TDs and 450 yards. Chargers lose 14-35. Effigies of Marty Schottenheimer are burnt in the streets by normally laid-back San Diegoans.

Sunday, January 07, 2007

Eagles Update

The East is ours, bitches!!!

Monday, January 01, 2007

Best/Worst Case Scenarios - NFC Playoffs

#6: New York Giants (Jan. 7th @ Philadelphia)

Best Case: After an unhappy season, a wild-card upset of the Eagles powered by excellent performances by Eli Manning and Tiki Barber restores team unity. A spirited effort against Chicago falls just short because of the accumulated injuries, but Tom Coughlin not only keeps his job but earns an extension. The New York press lauds the resilience of Coughlin, Manning, and Barber.

Worst Case: After an unhappy season, the Giants are lifeless from the moment they leave the tunnel in Philadelphia. Giants don't score a TD, while Manning plays on par with his previous playoff performance. Tiki Barber plays well despite facing eight men in the box, rips Coughlin and rest of team after game. Tom Coughlin is fired before he leaves the stadium. New York press declares open season on New York Giants' players.

#5: Dallas Cowboys (Jan. 6th @ Seattle)

Best Case: Cowboys rip through the NFC playoffs and make the Super Bowl. Owens catches 8 TDs in the run, and Romo is anointed as the next Aikman/Staubach. Bill Parcells swears he'll continue to coach the Cowboys as long as air flows through his lungs.

Worst case: Cowboys lose 35-3 at Seattle, as defense collapse and Tony Romo throws three picks. TO catches only one ball and drops two passes in the endzone. QB situation in Dallas still unclear, Parcells makes hints at a near retirement in postgame PC.

#4: Seattle Seahawks (Jan. 6th vs. Dallas)

Best Case: Hasselbeck and Alexander get it back together and play like they did in 2005, and the depleted and poor defense display some grit and poise, resulting in a win against the Cowboys and a surprise run deep into the playoffs. Grumbling in Seattle about Holmgren is permanently silenced. The legend of the 2005-2006 NFC West grows.

Worst Case: Hasselbeck and Alexander still look as hungover as they have since the start of the season, and the defense proves unable to stop the run or the pass. Seattle is embarrassed at home by a Cowboys team that lost to the Detroit Lions six days ago. Grumbling in Seattle about Mike Holmgren starts again. NFC West still laughing stock of the NFL.

#3: Philadelphia Eagles (Jan. 7th vs. Giants)

Best Case: With an improving defense and Jeff Garcia and Brian Westbrook leading an explosive offense, the Eagles defeat the Giants, Bears, and Cowboys to make the Super Bowl. The city of Philadelphia has a happy offseason, and sportswriters talk about an Eagles Dynasty.

Worst Case: Luck runs out on Jeff Garcia, and the defense proves unable to stop Tiki Barber in the final season of his career. Eagles lose at home after playing like they're just happy to be in the playoffs, and the city of Philadelphia goes into the offseason grumpy despite the regular season resurgence. No one talks about an Eagles Dynasty. Cowboys play in the Super Bowl.

#2: New Orleans Saints

Best Case: The Cinderella Season culminates in a Super Bowl victory. Drew Brees wins NFL MVP, and joins Archie Manning as the best QB in Saints history. Sean Payton wins Coach of the Year.

Worst Case: The Saints team that lost to Washington shows up in the second-round in a bad matchup. The Saints season ends in disappointment with an early exit from the playoffs. LT wins the MVP, and Eric Mangini is Coach of the Year.

#1: Chicago Bears

Best Case: The dynamic and poised young QB that was seen at the start of the season returns, and Rex Grossman leads an explosive Bears offense to match their defense. Da Bears win Da Super Bowl.

Worst Case: Bad Rex shows up in the second-round, and the defense continues its late-season swoon. The Bears are decimated in the second-round at home for a second-consecutive year, and Rex Grossman is burned in effigy in the streets.
NFC East Champions!!!

Back To The Playoffs!