"...And If You Look To Your Right, You Will See Twitter Updates..."

I now have a Twitter account. I'm not entirely sure what I'll be doing with this account, but my ideas so far are to tweet thoughts about music too short for blog posts, give notice of what I'll blog about shortly, tweet about live performances I am going to or music I am buying, and give thoughts on music I am listening to. Maybe I'll even live-tweet an album when I first listen to it.

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If I ever get Trout Mask Replica, I am definitely going to live-tweet it.

77 Favorite Albums: Compilations

Note: I have not written all the reviews of my favorite compilations. In the interest of putting content on my blog, here are the two reviews I have completed. This post will get moved to more recent dates as it is updated, so try the link on the sidebar instead of bookmarking the post.

Compilations are often the bane of music reviewers and fans. Even some of the best are completely redundant for fans that have most of the albums. However, many compilations are also a waste of money for people who don’t have any of the albums, due to bad song selection, unrepresentative collection, or sometimes just too expensive due to the inclusion of unessential songs. Most music reviewers will not review straight compilations of widely-available tracks because they either feel it is beneath them (and may be correct), or they have already reviewed the albums that the songs come from and don’t want to write another review about them. The unfortunate result is that if the casual music listener is interested in acquiring just the best songs by a band, they often lack good information on what compilations to get.

However, reviewers often do get involved when outtakes, rarities, and singles-only songs are packaged onto discs along with well known album tracks. When this happens, fans end up paying money for whole CDs where sometimes less than a quarter is music they don’t already have. The record companies are often criticized for this, but I don’t blame them that much.

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The record industry is not a non-profit organization, and it needs to make money. Unless you are talking about a band that has a huge hardcore fan-base, like the Rolling Stones or the Beatles, the audience for rarities- and outtakes-only collections is small (Note: the lack of a comprehensive non-album Rolling Stones song collection from their time with Decca is exhibit A in why Allen Klein and ABKCO are assholes). On the other hand, the people who buy greatest hits collections will not give a damn if outtakes and rarities are put on the disc if it does not make the album more expensive, and often the singles-only songs are greatest-hits material. The economics of releasing a greatest hits and rarities mixed compilation are usually better than for releasing a rarities-only compilation, so it is obvious why so many more of the former exist and so few of the latter. The alternative is that only the most successful bands release rarities and non-album songs for wide distribution.
</tangent>

Incidentally, the best alternative to these compilations is to package outtakes, rarities, and singles as bonus tracks to albums, which is the standard practice on a lot of recent album re-issues. I’m not even going to go into the arguments purists make that this violates the integrity of the artist’s original work.

So, what about these compilations that mix rarities and greatest hits? Some are very good, and even worth their price, while some suck. Non-coincidentally, the same can be said for non-album song-only compilations, which often are given the same attention as albums. However, only fully or partially redundant compilations will be reviewed here, as my favorite non-redundant compilations will be reviewed along with other albums. In this post, I will review compilations on three points. First, the highlights of the compilation: the best or most interesting songs and quality liner notes. Second, should you get the album, for both the casual listener’s and the fan’s point of view. This will address the overall quality of the song selection, the quality of the non-album tracks, how essential the material is for fans, etc. Lastly, I’ll recommend an album that pairs well with the compilation, on the basis of album quality and limit of overlap.

Death to the Pixies – Pixies

Note: I am reviewing here the first disc of this 2-disc compilation. The first disc is a best of collection, and the second disc is of a 1990 concert. The live disc will be reviewed as a separate album at a later date.

The Pixies were one of the all-time greats of alternative rock, and invented the soft-loud dynamic shifts that are a hallmark of grunge music and other alternative music that followed. However, the Pixies were so much more than just a musical style. They wrote some very weird songs, but they were never goofy (although some of their songs are hilarious jokes), and they never sounded banal or like a self-parody. If I forced to use an adverb, I’d say they were post-modernly weird. Their lead guitarist, Joey Santiago, often played in a dark, almost apocalyptic style that was a great complement to the weirdness that flowed out of the band’s singer and songwriter, Black Francis (actual name Charles Thompson). Above all the weirdness, almost all of their songs are very tuneful at their core, which distinguishes them from a lot of other alternative bands. Also, the Pixies never made the same album twice. All of their albums, even their short debut, have distinct styles and range of moods.

However, the one thing they were not was consistently emotionally resonant. Unlike most alternative rock bands since, they preferred songs that were about something weird, like watching surrealist films or finding out you are the product of incestuous union, than songs about real emotions, with a few notable exceptions. However, most of their songs do really rock, and pack a ton of energy. If you are a big fan of Nirvana or other ‘90s alternative bands, odds are good you’ll just find the Pixies to be weird. On the other hand, if you are a fan of bands that experimented with rock styles and unusual lyrics, such as the Talking Heads, you may find the Pixies to be one of the most enjoyable and intelligent rock bands of the last 20 years.

Highlights: It’s a best of compilation, so basically everything. Okay, maybe they could have left off “The Holiday Song” and “Cecilia Ann” to include a few more songs from Bossanova and especially Trompe Le Monde, but everything else is great. In particular, “Where Is My Mind,” “Debaser,” and “Monkey Gone To Heaven” are landmark songs in alternative rock.

Also, a short essay about the Pixies written by Gary Smith, the producer of the Pixies debut, is included. The essay was written in 1997 and muses on the early days of the Pixies immediately before they began recording, their impact on alternative music, and the degradation of the popular alternative music scene. The essay discusses the shock elements of their music and the loud-quiet dynamics, but doesn’t mention the surrealism, irony, humor, and satire that are the quintessential elements of the Pixies’ music that most of the bands that followed in their footsteps didn’t keep in mind. While not comprehensive or essential, the essay is well-written, and it contains a hilarious description of an early performance of what can only be “Vamos” (A later live performance is included on the live CD).

Should you get it: For the casual listener, this is a good compilation of the first half of the Pixies short career. However, it gives only cursory attention to their last two album, which were done in a significantly different style, and leaves out many great songs from those albums. Also, there are some fan-favorite songs from the earlier albums that are not included either. Given both that the compilation is out of print and that the newer compilation, Wave of Mutilation: Best of Pixies, has all the songs on this compilation and more, I’d recommend that one over this if all you want is the Pixies best songs.

For the Pixies fan, the second disc of this is a live album of a 1990 concert that is mainly songs from Come On Pilgrim to Doolittle. This album was the only extensive recording of the Pixies in concert until the reunion tour, and the only one of the band in its prime. If you can find the album used with the live disc, I’d pick it up. Expect a review of the live album in the future.

Pairs with: Trompe Le Monde. The Pixies last album is a great one, and the compilation has just two songs from it. Trompe Le Monde is also special because it is the Pixies most diverse album, and has more emotionally resonant songs than all of their previous albums. Between the live disc and the best of compilation, most of the songs from the Pixies best album, Doolittle, are on here, rendering it unnecessary for the non-fan.

The Best of Blondie - Blondie

Blondie hardly needs any introduction, as they were one of the most successful New Wave band. The most distinctive element of Blondie was the supremely confident singing of Deborah Harry. What’s not well-known about Blondie is that the band was very diverse, experimenting with a lot of different genres throughout their career, and that they were arguably the first New Wave band. In fact, as George Starostin pointed out, their debut album proves that New Wave, insofar as it could be called a single style, did not develop from punk. That album was released in 1976, the same year as the Ramones debut album.

Highlights: This compilation has basically every pre-1981 song they did that made the top-5 in the US or UK charts. I think most are pretty good, though your mileage may vary. It also contains re-mixed versions of four songs. “Sunday Girl” contains vocals from a French lyrics version of the song that was released as a B-side. Its sort of a neat effect, as Deborah Harry really does a good job with the accent.

Should you get it: If you’re a casual listener, this is probably the compilation to get if you are not going to get any Blondie albums. It does an okay job of giving a representative sample of each phase of Blondie’s career, excluding their last album before their break-up, which I’ve read was not a good album. The only real flaw is that there are not more songs from their early career, when the band was more wise-assy than later on.

For the Blondie fan, there is no reason to get this album unless you really want to hear "Sunday Girl" with French lyrics and can’t get a-hold of the French-language single version. The three other re-mixed songs are not noticeably improved, although “Rapture” has an extra verse, which may interest the completists out there. Other than that the only song you won’t find on the albums is “Call Me” from the film American Gigolo.

Pairs with: Parallel Lines. Or Plastic Letters if you want to address the flaw of not representing the early material enough. I will warn you that I have not heard these albums and I am making this recommendation based on reviews I have read, so caveat emptor.

Coming soon next: A Compleat Collection - The Kinks

5 Favorite Albums, 1996-2005

1. Marvin's Marvelous Mechanical Museum - Tally Hall (2005)
2. Lost and Gone Forever - Guster (1999)
3. OK Computer - Radiohead (1997)
4. The Mollusk - Ween (1999)
5. Keep It Together - Guster (2003)

5 Favorite Albums, 1986-1995

1. Doolittle - Pixies (1989)
2. Trompe Le Monde - Pixies (1991)
3. Come On Pilgrim - Pixies (1987)
4. Bossanova - Pixies (1990)
5. Surfer Rosa - Pixies (1988)

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Yes, I really like the Pixies.

5 Favorite Albums, 1976-1985

1. The Name of This Band is Talking Heads - Talking Heads (1982*)
2. Before And After Science - Brian Eno (1977)
3. Fear of Music - Talking Heads (1979)
4. Ramones - Ramones (1976)
5. Remain in Light - Talking Heads (1980)

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*2004 expanded re-release of collection of live performances from 1977-1981.

5 Favorite Albums, 1966-1975

1. Abbey Road - The Beatles (1969)
2. Blonde on Blonde - Bob Dylan (1966)
3. Let It Bleed - The Rolling Stones (1969)
4. Arthur (Or The Decline And Fall of The British Empire) - The Kinks (1969)
5. Sgt. Peppers Lonely Hearts Club Band - The Beatles (1967)

Update (10:32 PM): It was fun while it lasted.

Eagles!



(Made with Obamicon.Me)

5 Favorite Songs That Build Towards an Apocalyptic End

1. "Exit Music (For a Film)" - Radiohead
2. "Rainy Day" - Guster
3. "We're Going Wrong" - Cream
4. "March Into The Sea" - Modest Mouse
5. "Jigsaw Falling Into Place" - Radiohead

Yeahhhhhh!!!!

Go Eagles!!!!


Photo credit: AP Photo/Kathy Willens)

Go Green Man Group!

Go Eagles!

Go Green Man Group!!!

Fly Eagles fly, on the road to victory.
Fight Eagles fight, score a touchdown 1,2,3.
Hit em' low, hit em' high, and watch our Eagles fly.
Fly Eagles fly, on the road to victory!
E A G L E S - Eagles!

77 Favorite Albums: Introduction

The major project of this weblog for the foreseeable future will be to review my 77 favorite albums. The goal of my reviews will be partly to tell why I like each album, and partly to critically evaluate each album, with more emphasis on the first. There is a major difference between the two. For example, I think Kid A by Radiohead represents a greater achievement than OK Computer, but I prefer OK Computer and rank it higher on my list because Kid A is too pessimistic and depressing for me to enjoy it as much as I respect it (From a critical perspective, I think both are overrated, but that's another story).

The albums that qualify for my list are EP-length or full-length albums that are original studio albums, or live albums. Also, a very small number of compilations, consisting exclusively of songs that are not on the studio albums, will be reviewed. Re-releases will or will not be reviewed differently than original albums in a completely arbitrary manner. The reason I chose 77 albums to review is because my list grew out of a list of 73 albums for a survey by Mark Prindle in 2007. Also, 77 is a cool number. Just ask the Talking Heads.

I'm not revealing the whole list at first. For one, the list is not in its final order yet. Secondly, I will start by reviewing a set of compilations that I find to be exceptional in either their usefulness for avoiding the purchase of not-completely-worthy albums, the amount of hard-to-find material on them, or just how well it concentrates the interesting songs in the musicians' discography. After that I will give quick statements on some albums that, despite not making the 77, I still have interesting things to say about. Then I will start the list with 3 paragraphs, minimum, on each of albums #77 - #67.

Reintroduction

Welcome to the new Meanderings of a Post-Modern Present-Day Wit. I am reinventing it as a music review-focused weblog. There will still occasionally be political posts, but they will be rare and restricted to subjects I really care about. However, expect the same random frequency of posts on random topics.

A few details about my musical tastes:

Favorite bands/musicians:
1. Beatles
2. Bob Dylan
3. Talking Heads
4. Guster
5. Pixies

Favorite albums from the last 20 years:
1. Marvin’s Marvelous Mechanical Museum (2005) – Tally Hall
2. Doolittle (1989) - Pixies
3. Ganging Up on the Sun (2006) – Guster
4. OK Computer (1997) – Radiohead
5. Lost And Gone Forever (1999) – Guster

Obscure songs by famous bands that I really like:
1. “You Never Give Me Your Money” – Beatles
2. “Dandelion” – Rolling Stones
3. “Mr. Grieves” – Pixies
4. “Subterranean Homesick Alien” – Radiohead
5. “Bike” – Pink Floyd

That’s enough space wasted with lists for now. Expect a post introducing a major list to follow this one.

Testing Images

This is a test image. The image is of my blog just before I radically changed the layout.

A Link

Here is a very entertaining review of the latest David Byrne-Brian Eno collaboration, Everything That Happens Will Happen Today. The album is very interesting, and I will have a review of it up in the future.

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Download "Strange Overtones" from the album site. The song is probably the best on the album, and twenty-five years ago it would have been a #1 single.

It's Been Such a Long, a Long, Long Time

After what seems like forever, I have returned to my blog. Weekly posting will return soon, but Meanderings will no longer be a politics-oriented blog. There will still be the occasional posting with my unique political ideas (such as that the UN Security Council should deploy forces to Kashmir to wipe out the Pakistani terrorists, but even if they decided to do so, Pakistan would not let them in because Pakistan is almost a failed state), but a combination of lack of attention, the destruction of Iraq, and the utter incompetence of the Bush administration have caused me to lose my appetite for politics-at-large. The main focus of the restarted Meanderings will be stated in my next post, sometime around Christmas, but you can guess it from the contents of the present front page.

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Hint: Not the Philadelphia Eagles. Although I will post about them if they make a real playoff run.

Random Music Blogging

I read an article on MSN claiming to list great anti-love songs, and it is a really bad and stupid list. Def Leppard? Kelly Clarkson? The Dixie Chicks? WTF?

The whole article doesn't rise to the level of requiring a response, but I like music, so I'm going to list eight songs that I think are better anti-love songs than the ones listed in the article.

The Talking Heads: "I'm Not In Love"
I'm referring to the live version of this in particular. The instrument-vocal interplay on the chorus is incredible. "(DA-DA)I can answer your questions(DA-DA)/if you won't(DA-DA) twist what I say(DA-DA)/please respect my opinion(DA-DA)/they will be respected some(DA-DA) day/but I (DA)don't (DA)need (DA)love/there will come a day when we (DA)don't (DA)need (DA)love/I believe that we (DA)don't (DA)need (DA)lo-ooove..."

The Beatles: "Sexy Sadie"
This song is Lennon at his contempt-ful best. From the dissonant piano to the unexpected changes in Lennon's voice and the parrot-like backing vocals, this song is absolutely a cloaked Dylan-esque put-down of the subject's appeal to others: "One sunny day the world was waiting for a lover/She came along to turn on everyone./Sexy Sadie, she's the greatest, of them all./Sexy Sadie, how did you know/the world was waiting just for you." You can substitute Marilyn Monroe (though she was long dead when the song was written), Pamela Anderson, Jessica Simpson, Britney Spears, or any everyday arrogant "desirable" person for "Sadie," although the rumor is that the song is actually a metaphor for John's disillusionment with some guru. (And yes, this is the same guy who wrote "All You Need is Love.")

Bob Dylan: "Most Likely You Go Your Way (And I'll Go Mine)"
Now this is a real Dylan put-down. Dylan and his army corp brass country band go at it with a restrained enthusiasm, as Dylan sings circles around his (ex-)lover. "You say you got some other/kind of lover, and yes I believe you do./You say my kisses, are not like his/well this time I'm not gonna tell you, why that is/I'm just gonna let you pass/Yes and I'll go last/and time will tell/who has fell/and whose been left behind/when you go your way and I go mine."

Cream: "Strange Brew"
One of Cream's psychedelic blues classics. In case the title doesn't tip you off, the lyrics make it clear enough the song is (metaphorically?) about having a witch seeking your love "She's a witch of trouble in electric blue/In her own mad mind she's in love with you--with you/now what you gonna do/Strange brew, kill what's inside of you."

The Beatles: "Think For Yourself"
George Harrison's call for self-reliance before love in the form of a 2-and-a-half minute pop song from Rubber Soul. "I've got a word or two/To say about the things that you do./You're telling all those lies/About the good things that we can have/If we close our eyes./Do what you want to do/And go where you're going to/Think for yourself/'Cause I won't be there with you." Another anti-love song is the other Harrisong from this album, "If I Needed Someone."

The Beatles: "Girl"
The predecessor of "Sexy Sadie." Its a little too unsubtle, and the deep breaths before the chorus are pointless/pretentious, but it differs by viewing love as a tragedy. "When I think of all the times I've tried so hard to leave her/She will turn to me and start to cry/And she promises the earth to me/And I believe her/After all this time I don't know why."

Simon & Garfunkel: "I Am a Rock"
This could qualify as one of the greatest put-ons foisted upon an unsuspecting audience in the history of folk-rock. You have a song with a quiet intro that breaks into anthemic guitar playing, with a spirited duet. And what are the lyrics? "Don't talk of love/But I've heard the words before./Its sleeping in my memory/I wont disturb the slumber of feelings that have died./If I never loved I never would have cried./I am a rock! I am an island!" Too bad irony didn't exist back in 1966.

Roxy Music: "Love is the Drug"
Kids, don't do drugs.

Eagles Watch and Random Stuff:
ESPN.com - Some athletes are Sundance kids

From an ESPN.com article noting NFL players at the Sundance Film Festival:

Stallworth and Brian Westbrook are working Main Street under the cover of floating snow. Along the way, they encounter Christian Slater, one of the Baldwin brothers and Regina King.

As gawkers swarm, Stallworth fields party invites, poses for photos and generally yuks it up with inquiring Hollywood types.

"I've always wanted to be in the NFL, but I've always wanted to act, too" Stallworth explains. "It's a really, really big dream of mine."

"Donté's a fool," kids Westbrook, who isn't as amused by the gawkers. A sweet middle-aged lady creeps up.

"Excuse me," she says sheepishly. "Who are you?"

"Michael Jackson," Westbrook replies. The lady is confused, but covers her bet by snapping a few photos.

The article gets more unusual from there. It's a really funny article.

Thoughts on Saving Iraq

Before writing my ideas, I want to note someone who forsaw exactly what the most important issue for Iraq's future would be before the magnitude of the problem became clear. Stephen Biddle wrote an article in Foreign Affairs, "Seeing Baghdad, Thinking Saigon," that was published shortly before the bombing of the Al-Askari Mosque. From his article:

But if the debate in Washington is Vietnam redux, the war in Iraq is not. The current struggle is not a Maoist "people's war" of national liberation; it is a communal civil war with very different dynamics. Although it is being fought at low intensity for now, it could easily escalate if Americans and Iraqis make the wrong choices.
[...]

Rapid democratization, meanwhile, could be positively harmful in Iraq. In a Maoist people's war, empowering the population via the ballot box undermines the insurgents' case that the regime is illegitimate and facilitates nonviolent resolution of the inequalities that fuel the conflict. In a communal civil war, however, rapid democratization can further polarize already antagonistic sectarian groups[...]

The biggest problem with treating Iraq like Vietnam is Iraqization -- the main component of the current U.S. military strategy. In a people's war, handing the fighting off to local forces makes sense because it undermines the nationalist component of insurgent resistance, improves the quality of local intelligence, and boosts troop strength. But in a communal civil war, it throws gasoline on the fire. Iraq's Sunnis perceive the "national" army and police force as a Shiite-Kurdish militia on steroids. And they have a point: in a communal conflict, the only effective units are the ones that do not intermingle communal enemies[...]

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The central challenge for Iraq's future is the sectarian conflict of today. The two major overt forces in this conflict are the Shia militias, primarily the Badr Brigade and Mahdi Army, and the Sunni terrorists, who are less unified. Their strategy is to kill or force out Iraqis of the other group. The terrorists seek to accomplish this by bombings of Shia communities or mosques. The militias operate by kidnapping and killing Sunnis, or ordering Sunnis to leave Shiite-majority neighborhoods under threat of death. The attacks on public institutions such as universities and hospitals can be mistaken as tangential to these goals, but are actually integral in driving out an educated middle-class that is opposed to sectarianism and are respected people in their communities.

The major covert forces in this conflict are Shia-subverted police and military forces that engage in kidnappings; Muqtada Al-Sadr and his political connections in the Iraqi government; and Abdul Aziz Al-Hakim, leader of the Badr Brigade and the Supreme Council for the Islamic Revolution in Iraq (SCIRI). The political groups control 65 of the 275 seats in the Iraqi parliament. There are no major ties between the Sunni terrorists and the government or major figures so far. For this reason, the Sunni groups have been targeted with impunity, and represent a relatively minor long-term threat. If they evolve into something like the Shiite militias, then they will be a major threat and the country will be about to enter civil war as the violence goes from sectarian terrorist attacks to intercommunal warfare.

My proposal is simple, and its success or failure is dependent on two factors. The first factor is the competency of the US military to execute the plan, and the second factor is whether the Iraqi public wants to prevent a war. Beyond that, political factors, such as Bush being a coward and Congress being composed of self-centered ninnies, hinder the chances of this proposal ever being put in action. However, if the US military is capable of carrying out the plan, this will be the last major military action the US will have to undertake in Iraq, one way or another.

What needs to be done in Iraq is to illegitimize by US military fiat the SCIRI for being a terrorist group, and do the same to the Sadr-controlled groups. Then declare that every member of these group and associated militias will have one day to turn themselves in to the US military. If they do not do so, the US military will be given orders to find them and kill them on sight. This applies to every member, from the average militia member to Al-Hakim and Al-Sadr.

One argument against this strategy is that this will push the Shiites into outright revolt against the Americans. The counter-argument to that is that if that is true it will only cause a revolt because the Shiite political forces are not interested in stopping the sectarian violence, in which case they shouldn't be running the country in the first place. If there is not sufficient political support for ending the sectarian violence among the Shiites, then Iraq is fucked regardless, and we have no chance of saving it. However, I think beyond the religious supremacists, the majority of Iraqis think that the killing is horrific and will be happy to see everyone perpetrating the violence lying dead by the side of a road. If that is the case, once it becomes clear the US is serious about exterminating them, those who really care about Iraq's future will tell the US military everyone involved with the militias, and there will be nowhere for them to hide. If the country is worse off six months after beginning the plan than it is now, the plan isn't going to work, and there was never enough American military strength or Iraqi resolve to end the violence to have a chance of saving Iraq. At that point I'd recommend pulling forces out, and it hardly matters what is done afterwards, because nothing short of a massive relocation of the population in all parts of the country and implementation of an India-Pakistan-type partition will have any better chance of saving things. Also, partition is a viable plan to stop the sectarian violence if all the groups are completely relocated into separate nations, but in the long-term it will cause more instability and conflict than a unified Iraq would, on every issue from resources to boundaries to international relations.

And to the assholes who say I only think this is a good plan because the Iraqis are Arabs in a different country, fuck off. If what's happening in Iraq was occurring in my home state, I'd hope the US military would kill every one of those responsible with extreme prejudice. If the Iraqis don't want to eliminate the thugs, murderers, and associated religious demagogues, then nothing is going to work because the nation would be completely insane.

Best/Worst Case Scenarios - AFC Playoffs

[Note: #6 to #3 were written Jan. 5th, before the wild card games.]

#6: Kansas City Chief (Jan. 6 @ Indianapolis)

Best Case: Trent Green recovers his 2005 form and together with Larry Johnson decimate the Colts defense and advance to the second round @ San Diego. They win there in a shootout, and the strength vs. strength match-up with Baltimore brings Kansas City to the edge of the Super Bowl. After carrying the ball 450+ times this season, Larry Johnson fractures his femur in week 14 of the 2007 season, and returns to top form in 2008.

Worst Case: Trent Green is still not alright, and the Chiefs defense returns to 2004 form. Larry Johnson carries the ball 35 times for 250 yards and 3 TDs, but the Chiefs lose 27-49. After carrying the ball 450+ times this season, Larry Johnson tears both ACLs and a Lis Franc in week 3 of 2007, and never starts an NFL game again. Herm Edwards isn't fired.

#5: New York Jets (Jan. 7 @ New England)

Best Case: Eric Mangini defeats his mentor in the playoffs, and captivates the attention of the nation. The Jets defense steps up and defeats Martyball in round 2, and Mangini nearly coaches the overmatched Jets to a win over the Baltimore Ravens. The New York media lavishes attention upon the Jets and Mangini. Jets-fever spreads across the tri-state area.

Worst Case: Jets lose 3-14 to the Patriots on an awful January day, and everyone except the 300 actual Jets fans stop paying attention. The New York media goes back to talking about what's wrong with the New York Giants/Yankees/Knicks. Jets-fever is cured.

#4: New England Patriots (Jan. 7 vs. New York)

Best Case: The Patriots defense and WR corps comes together, and the 2006 Patriots begin to resemble the 2004 Patriots. Pats crush all opposition in their path to the Super Bowl.

Worst Case: Rodney Harrison is unavailable to play and is not disrespected. Patriots play like a weary team resting on its laurels, and snooze through a forgettable loss to the Jets. Sportwriters revoke genius tag from Bill Belichick. Tom Bady has surgery to repair a minor tear in his rotator cuff soon after the end of the Patriots season. Pats' fans violate the 5-year rule by complaining about the state of the team, further piss off rest of nation.

#3: Indianapolis Colts (Jan. 6 vs. Kansas City)

Best Case: Legendary QB play by Peyton Manning and power rushing by Joseph Addai cover for a defense that manages to approach adequacy and lead the Colts to a Super Bowl victory. Peyton Manning lauded as possibly the greatest QB ever.

Worst Case: Expected great play by Peyton cannot make up for an awful defense. Colts lose an offensive shootout with the Chiefs. Peyton Manning is made the goat by the press after throwing a 4th quarter interception. He finishes with 350 yards, 3 TDs, 75% completion rate, and 1 INT. Peyton Manning crticized as possibly the greatest choke artist ever.

#2: Baltimore Ravens (Jan. 13 vs. Indianapolis)

Best Case: Baltimore's defense humiliates Peyton Manning, while Baltimore's offense destroys whatever pride the Colts' defense still had. Baltimore defeats Martyball in the conference championship. The Ravens make quick work of the sacrificial offering from the NFC. Seven years after his team fell 1 yard short of a potential Super Bowl win, Steve McNair wins the big one. Brian Billick receives actual genius tag after winning two Super Bowls, and NFL skill position prospects look forward to playing for him. Old Baltimore fans don't miss the Colts.

Worst Case: Baltimore's defense inexplicably collapses against Peyton Manning and Joseph Addai. The incredible containment of Larry Johnson is repeated on Jamal Lewis, and Steve McNair is knocked out of the game
with an ACL tear in the first quarter, and Kyle Boller throws 4 picks. Brian Billick recieves national declaim. NFL skill position prospects want to stay the hell away from Baltimore. Indianapolis wins the Super Bowl. Baltimore Fans miss the Colts and compliment Peyton Manning as the greatest QB since Johnny U.

#1: San Diego Chargers

Best Case: The greatest season in Chargers history goes to its conclusion in Miami, and the Chargers win their first Lombardi, stunning their opponent with the aerial assault directed by first-year starter Philip Rivers and the incredible rushing of LT2. Sportswriters proclaim Marty Schottenheimer to be a Hall of Fame coach, and the 2006 San Diego Chargers are declared the greatest Chargers team ever.

Worst Case: "Martyball" returns, as the Chargers offense becomes hyper-conservative against the unpredictable Patriots defense. Bill Belichick shows Schottenheimer how a real Hall of Fame coach runs a team, and lays waste to the San Diego secondary as Tom Brady completes 75% of his passes for 4 TDs and 450 yards. Chargers lose 14-35. Effigies of Marty Schottenheimer are burnt in the streets by normally laid-back San Diegoans.